Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
