Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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