erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
