i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
