I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
they're like a gay fantastic four
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
