god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I pour the whiskey from now on
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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