Please, let me fuck your mom
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
