I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Randomize
