I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
