some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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