apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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