I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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