I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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