I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You need a sexual gate keeper
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
