Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
