If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
