god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
