Porn is love you can see.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
