she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
you inspire me to be a worse person
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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