I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
