seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
