i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Randomize
