Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
