I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
