Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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