I just cut my nipple shaving
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
