cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
