dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
