Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Randomize
