look no pants
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
