My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
