we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
