Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
