My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Terrible idea I love it
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
