Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
