He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
