I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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