whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
