I want to make a zoo with you.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
