hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Randomize
