dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
