You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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