Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Jerry, you need to find god
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
