After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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