The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
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