a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
