Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
