he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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