dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
