everyone is single if you try hard enough
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Randomize
