I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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