Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
