and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
