i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
