We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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