Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
