Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
