and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
