I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
