I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
