first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
