After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
