if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
