i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
