I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
