just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
